I imagine they were inundated with applicants, don't you?
Tuesday, 11 November 2008
Monday, 10 November 2008
Tuesday, 4 November 2008
The Front Fell Off
I have no idea whether this is real, I suspect it's a spoof but it's funny nonetheless. An Aussie politician is being interviewed about an oil tanker sinking:
Monday, 27 October 2008
Scammers
I wouldn't normally mix tec-talk in here but this is a particularly nasty scam. They pretend to be an antivirus company and are merely scamming your credit card info. MacGuard and WiniGuard are totally bogus. Do not trust them.
Click here for information that you can trust.
Click here for information that you can trust.
Saturday, 25 October 2008
Man Or Woman
You kind of have to be in to South Park for this one but ...
Mr Garrison: The key difference between men and women is that women can have babies. If you can't have babies then you're a man.
Mr Thompson: Woah, err, wait, hang on a second, my wife had ovarian cancer so she can't have babies.
Mr Garrison: Well then get an aids test Thompson because your wife's a dude, you faggot!.
Mr Garrison: The key difference between men and women is that women can have babies. If you can't have babies then you're a man.
Mr Thompson: Woah, err, wait, hang on a second, my wife had ovarian cancer so she can't have babies.
Mr Garrison: Well then get an aids test Thompson because your wife's a dude, you faggot!.
Space Junky
There are more than ten thousand man-made objects in orbit around our planet. Of these, only seven percent are operational satellites. The remainder consists of dead satellites, rocket fragments and debris. As if not content with landfills, the littering of our oceans, global warming and all the other forms of terrestrial pollution of which we are guilty, just look what we are doing to outer space. If there is intelligent life out there somewhere, do you think they would come anywhere near this dustbin? This has to be one of the saddest pictures I've seen ...
Friday, 10 October 2008
Six String Assassin
Given the task of compiling a list of the world's greatest guitarists, you may not consider the artist formerly known as Prince. Indeed, Rolling Stone magazine did not, and they made it clear when they released their list of the top 100 guitar players of all time just weeks before both Prince, and the magazine's founder Jann Wenner, were inducted into America's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. In their opinion, Prince wasn't even in the top 100.
On the night of that induction he stole the show during an all-star performance of While My Guitar Gently Weeps. Apparently, most people didn't know Prince was even on stage until he consumed it with this quite brilliant solo (which starts at 3:29 if you're really that impatient). Was his performance anything to do with him being snubbed from Rolling Stone's list? Who knows, but this is Prince and he doesn't show up without reason. On this night, he was on a mission and it shows.
Whether you are a guitar fan or not, you have to appreciate the sheer skill and tonal dexterity on display:
On the night of that induction he stole the show during an all-star performance of While My Guitar Gently Weeps. Apparently, most people didn't know Prince was even on stage until he consumed it with this quite brilliant solo (which starts at 3:29 if you're really that impatient). Was his performance anything to do with him being snubbed from Rolling Stone's list? Who knows, but this is Prince and he doesn't show up without reason. On this night, he was on a mission and it shows.
Whether you are a guitar fan or not, you have to appreciate the sheer skill and tonal dexterity on display:
Thursday, 9 October 2008
Death And Taxes
This is apparently genuine correspondence sent by the Inland Revenue in response to a letter we probably wish we had all written:
Dear Mr Addison,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a begging letter. It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a tax demand. This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers might indicate that your decision to file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a lackwit bumpkin or, come to that, a sodding charity. More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services, a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to stump up for the whole damned party yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on junkets for Bunterish lickspittles and dancing whores whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, that box-ticking facade of a university system.
There are a couple of technical points arising from your direct queries. Firstly, the reason we don't simply write Muggins on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system. Secondly, you can rest assured that sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India you would still owe us the money. Please send it to us by Friday.
Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
Dear Mr Addison,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a begging letter. It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a tax demand. This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers might indicate that your decision to file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a lackwit bumpkin or, come to that, a sodding charity. More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services, a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to stump up for the whole damned party yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on junkets for Bunterish lickspittles and dancing whores whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, that box-ticking facade of a university system.
There are a couple of technical points arising from your direct queries. Firstly, the reason we don't simply write Muggins on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system. Secondly, you can rest assured that sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India you would still owe us the money. Please send it to us by Friday.
Yours sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
Saturday, 23 August 2008
Looking Through A Crystal Ball
This ceiling mural in an office smoking room doesn't leave much to subtlety.
Friday, 1 August 2008
Tuesday, 8 July 2008
Bunch Of Bankers
An elderly lady wrote the following letter to her bank. The bank manager (do they still exist?) thought it amusing enough to send it in to The Times for publication.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded and faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that a Solicitor must countersign all copies of his or her medical history and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your telephone banking service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1 -- To make an appointment to see me.
2 -- To query a missing payment.
3 -- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4 -- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 -- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 -- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7 -- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required and this password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact).
8 -- To return to the main menu and to listen to options again.
9 -- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded and faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that a Solicitor must countersign all copies of his or her medical history and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your telephone banking service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1 -- To make an appointment to see me.
2 -- To query a missing payment.
3 -- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4 -- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 -- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 -- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7 -- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required and this password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact).
8 -- To return to the main menu and to listen to options again.
9 -- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be
put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
Walk On By
I was walking past a mental hospital the other day and all of the patients were outside in the grounds shouting:
"13... 13... 13..."
The fence was too high to see over the top but I saw a little hole in one of the planks so I leant over and had a look through to see what was going on. Just as my eye lined up with the hole in the fence, a stick came jutting through and poked me right in the eye! Simultaneously, the chant changed to: "14... 14... 14..."
"13... 13... 13..."
The fence was too high to see over the top but I saw a little hole in one of the planks so I leant over and had a look through to see what was going on. Just as my eye lined up with the hole in the fence, a stick came jutting through and poked me right in the eye! Simultaneously, the chant changed to: "14... 14... 14..."
Friday, 4 January 2008
Monday, 31 December 2007
Saturday, 22 December 2007
Thursday, 20 December 2007
The Same Script
Here's another radio show extract, this time from Australia. They call two sex lines and connect them to each other. This does not get too rude or graphic (so to speak).
Monday, 10 December 2007
A Letter To The Edinburgh Police
The following is a set of correspondence that I am assured is genuine:
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try emailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant, XXXXX
Mr XXXXX,
I have read your email and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards, PC YYYYY, Community Beat Officer
Dear PC YYYYY,
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original email. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.
Regards, XXXXX
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try emailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant, XXXXX
Mr XXXXX,
I have read your email and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards, PC YYYYY, Community Beat Officer
Dear PC YYYYY,
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original email. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.
Regards, XXXXX
Amazing Elephant Story
Thanks to Alex for this amazing, heart-warming story...
In 1986, a chap called Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded. Although the elephant was very wary and nervous, keeping an eye on Dan as he waved his big ears back and forth, he surprisingly remained still.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood there frozen to the spot, thinking of nothing but being trampled to death. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Some twenty years later, Dan was walking through Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where Dan and his son Dan Junior were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan and lifted its front foot off the ground. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. He summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant after all.
In 1986, a chap called Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded. Although the elephant was very wary and nervous, keeping an eye on Dan as he waved his big ears back and forth, he surprisingly remained still.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood there frozen to the spot, thinking of nothing but being trampled to death. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Some twenty years later, Dan was walking through Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where Dan and his son Dan Junior were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan and lifted its front foot off the ground. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. He summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant after all.
Monday, 3 December 2007
Who Is The Leader?
Great spoof of George Dubya and Condi talking about various world leaders. It's obviously an Abbott and Costello rip-off (Who's On First?) but very funny all the same.
Friday, 30 November 2007
Cold Calling
Extracted from a US radio show, some guy has become so fed up with telemarketers cold calling him that when one calls, he winds them up expertly and records it for prosperity.
Tuesday, 27 November 2007
Buffalo Theory
In an episode of Cheers, Cliff is sitting at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his friend Norm:
"Well you see Norm, it's like this ... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back of the herd that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as its slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells but, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
"And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers!"
"Well you see Norm, it's like this ... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back of the herd that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as its slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells but, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
"And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers!"
Saturday, 24 November 2007
Armageddon
A radio DJ tries to read out a news story from Los Angeles Times but corpses repeatedly. Just listen.
Friday, 23 November 2007
Dancing Cockatoo
More madness from pet birds. I can't say I appreciate its taste in music but it dances better than everybody I know! Many thanks to my pal Graeme for the clip ... all donations are gratefully received. Please feel free to use the comments link on any article to make your views known or to submit content. Anyway, enjoy the daft bird.
Wednesday, 21 November 2007
Tuesday, 20 November 2007
Soap
I was first emailed this round of correspondence between a hotel guest and various members of staff in about 1995 I think. It may be old but it remains one of the funniest things I have ever read:
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you, S Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today as we are instructed by the management to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
Dear Maid
I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-sized Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S Berman
Dear Mr Berman,
My day off was last Wednesday so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed to by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.
Your regular maid, Dotty
Dear Mr Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mrs Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 and don't get back before 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S Berman
Dear Mr Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mr Kensedder,
My bath-sized Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-sized Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S Berman
Dear Mr Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L Kensedder, Assistant Manager
Dear Mrs Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-sized Dial. Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath-sized Dial. Please give me back my bath-sized Dial.
S Berman
Dear Mr Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-sized Dial. I was able to locate some bath-sized Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mrs Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
S Berman
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you, S Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today as we are instructed by the management to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
Dear Maid
I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-sized Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S Berman
Dear Mr Berman,
My day off was last Wednesday so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed to by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.
Your regular maid, Dotty
Dear Mr Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mrs Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 and don't get back before 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S Berman
Dear Mr Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mr Kensedder,
My bath-sized Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-sized Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S Berman
Dear Mr Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L Kensedder, Assistant Manager
Dear Mrs Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-sized Dial. Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath-sized Dial. Please give me back my bath-sized Dial.
S Berman
Dear Mr Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-sized Dial. I was able to locate some bath-sized Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mrs Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
- On shelf under medicine cabinet: 18 Camay organised in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2
- On Kleenex dispenser: 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3
- On bedroom dresser: 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-sized Ivory and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4
- Inside medicine cabinet: 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2
- In shower soap dish: 6 Camay, very moist
- On north-east corner of tub: 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used
- On north-west corner of tub: 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3
S Berman
Monday, 19 November 2007
Clarkson For PM
You may be aware that one of the things introduced by Blair when Prime Minister was Electronic Petitions on the 10 Downing Street website. Anybody and everybody who is a British citizen can create and / or sign petitions. A nice idea really although, in a typical display of of Blairite consultation, he immediately proceeded to ignore everything that anybody suggested despite some subjects gaining the support of hundreds of thousands of people, even millions in a few cases. Anyway, I came across the following petition and thought this was the most fantastic use of Prime Ministerial resources I had ever seen:
Make Jeremy Clarkson Prime Minister
The petition has already attracted over 24,000 signatures, more than the call for a referendum on the European Union constitution, putting it in 6th place on the Downing Street website. Vote now! I just think it would be so funny to see this in first place.
Make Jeremy Clarkson Prime Minister
The petition has already attracted over 24,000 signatures, more than the call for a referendum on the European Union constitution, putting it in 6th place on the Downing Street website. Vote now! I just think it would be so funny to see this in first place.
Corporate Policy
Having had the great pleasure of working for several American dot com companies over the years, I can attest first-hand to the genius of Scott Adams and the accuracy of his Dilbert cartoons. Here are a couple of my favourites:
Sunday, 18 November 2007
Polly Tourettes
Here's a short video clip that makes me laugh every time I see it. It's silly and puerile but there you go. This parrot has a bad case of Tourettes. Seriously, if you are offended by bad language, do not watch:
Saturday, 17 November 2007
Welcome
This blog will consist of my personal musings, items I come across elsewhere on the internet and, frankly, any other content that I feel like. I hope it will be amusing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
